What is it about an open doorway that is so enticing? Particularly wooden paneled doors...looking beyond, to all of the different worlds framed by the doorway, spreading out beyond your view...

*sigh*

I need to find a way through those doors...perhaps....perhaps

Loneliness... is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man.
-Thomas Wolfe, novelist (1900-1938)

Strange enough I've been lonely all my life, most accutely when surrounded by others. But over the past year I've found something...funny how Love can make one see things differently...

I've been wondering quite a bit recently about passion and emotion - where they lead, what they do to you, what happens to you without them... The problem with mulling things over in your head is that they tend (at least for me) to boil down to a few concise thoughts or even fragments of thoughts, and thats all that's left...makes it very difficult to back over things with someone else...
Well off I go...my room is still rather messy from moving and I have a book (or two...or three) that I've been wanting to read for the past few days. I should correct student work, or take care of student loan applications... Soon, my head needs a break...

"Do you ever read any of the books you burn?"
"That's against the law!"
"Oh. Of course."
[Fahrenheit 451]

-Ray Bradbury, science-fiction writer (1920- )

I thought this was an appropriate quote with which to begin the summer (though don't ask me why). I have not read leasurly since last summer... I am so tired, that I have a dull throb at the back of my head from stress and lack of sleep. I don't know how my finals went... I plan to bug my tutors and my connections in the offices until I know if I am coming back next year... But I am not going to worry about that now, mostly through lack of energy... This week-end will be relaxing and exhausting...

So I somehow didn't manage to get that third cup of tea. And now it's 7:40 and getting dark, and it's stopped raining too. I haven't done any homework for tomorrow (bad) and have not gotten any furtherwith finals studies (also bad). But I don't want to study, I want to curl up in my arm chair (after I dump out all the clothes that are currently living there) and read or play with my guitar (at this rate the Sprit will be playing it before I do...for now she is content to play with the four bottom strings, but it is only a matter of time) or drink tea. I got my tea pot back (and it's clean too).

*sigh*

Does anyone have any motivation they could lend me for a week or so? I'd give it back, honest I would. For some odd reason, the fear of failing is simply not doing it for me...

Oh well, off we go. At least I can get tomorrow's homework done decently...

It's just past 10 o'clock in the morning and I am ready for my third cup of tea. The water I put on to boil in my room down the hall from my haunt is probably ready, and I have perhaps a dozen teas to choose from. I wonder if I am addicted? I've managed to loose my favorite mug and my teapot it up in the Commons, left there from the mad teaparty of a few days ago. I would really like to make a strong pot of tea, transfer it to a thermos and wander off into the fog shrouded hills with a warm coat and several books and not come back until I'm soaked or dark, or both. However, my finals harried mind won't let me enjoy this relaxation beyond the speculation of it, so instead I will wander back down the hall and continue to worry about the equivalency laws of gases and play with my guitar, and yes, drink tea.

Thoughts on the approach of finals week...


Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!

-Lewis Carroll, mathematician and writer (1832-1898)

We're less than a week away from year end finals, and I am starting to feel it. All evening I have been fighting (mostly in vain) against the hard hot feeling of desperation and frustration seated in my chest. I don't want to have study for finals... Finals mean change and people leaving and not coming back. They mean that things will be different and strange. Besides all that, they're hard!!!
So I sat down to correct student work, so I could then do tomorrow's homework, and ignore review guides for another two evenings (tomorrow evening being taken up with seminar and homework of it's own...Thursday is plenty soon to start studying, right??) I discovered instead the Senior year book, full of pictures and quotes (lots and lots of quotes) and read it cover to cover. It almost dispelled the knot in my breast...and then I looked at the papers that litter the desk of the Lady of the Haunt and was quickly reminded of the doom waiting for us next week...
And I had such grand plans for this eveing. I was going to write for a while (it seems that I've remembered how to think, just in time perhaps in more than one respect...) and then take care of assignments and student work that has been waiting around for a week (or two...) and tackle or at least look over and make some notes on the reviews that I had... But as time moved on, my sense of purpose waned and the despondancy waxed (and not even in proportion... And to think just this morning I was thinking of how lovely it was to watch the change in shading in the trees as I walked along the edge of the forest... bother it all)
*sigh*
I am going to be losing my haunt in a week's time... very very sad thought. I need to do something to fix this, and soon...

Isn't it a strange sensation when you suddenly realize that you havn't thought about anything in a really, really long time? Rather frightening, actually...